How to convert a straight girl 101 aka how to make her a big fat fag

So you are a gay girl who has a crush on a straight girl and you want to "bring them to the dark side." Or perhaps you are just curious about converting yourself, whatever. Here is what the infamous KC from the Elka & KC Planet podcast has to say on the matter. And just remember, straight women are actually easier to "attain" than gay women. A hundred percent of the women I've had "relations" with have been "straight" or "bisexual" - as if that even existed.
Here goes:

"There are 2 key methods.

Method 1 is used when you just want to have sex with the woman one night or have a short-term "fling": One word. Alcohol.

Method 2 is used when you are actually interested in pursuing a relationship with a straight woman. Keep in mind that there are countless methods for this and you should be able to "feel out" your own method based on your personal strengths and weaknesses. My personal method is as follows.

Caution: This method only works if you are GAY. If you are straight and are interested in another straight woman, this method will not work at all. If you are bisexual and you are interested in a straight woman, this method may or may not work.

1. Who's who?

You get to know her. You like her. She's hot. She likes you. She's straight. Trust yourself here. Think about it... what percentage of straight women are you usually attracted to? If you are passing women on a busy sidewalk or people-watching at the mall, I think that you will find that you will be physically attracted to about 10% (1 out of 10) of similarly-aged women. If you are attracted to less than 10%, your chances of my method working are even HIGHER. Why? Simple! Because you are GAY. If you are gay, you have gaydar... even if you haven't figured it out yet. There are a thousand little signals that we pick up on as gay women... how a woman carries herself, little signals in the words she uses and in her actual voice, hair and makeup, clothing style, shoes, eye contact, etc. We instinctually know that these particular women are the "safe" ones to be attracted to. We are not instinctually attracted to those who are unwilling to visit the dark side. Of course, there are crazy amazon women exceptions... women who are obviously super-straight and we have zero chances with... but, we are still attracted to them. Example: Lucy Liu. But, we're talking about everyday people here. Ironically, if you were to actually meet those 10% of women you find attractive... and were able to sit down and talk to them, you would be lucky if you still found 1/2 of them attractive after you got to know them. So, this brings us down to about 5%... which is about the percentage of women who label themselves as being GAY. See? It's mother nature at work! Gaydar in action! So, if you fancy that woman at the office and you think that she's at least interested in being friends, you've got a really good shot!

2. The execution.

So, you've picked the girl. You're now "friends". You think that you have a shot with her. I'm assuming at this point that she knows that you are gay. If she doesn't know that you're gay, let her know that you are not only gay... but, that you are gay and single. Don't ever use the word "single" though. It's a pathetic word to use to describe oneself.

Now, you show her all of the things she's missing out on by being straight. You lay it on extra thick. You smile and laugh a lot. Men don't seem to do these things very often. You actually enjoy spending time with her... you're not just doing it out of "duty" or to pay your dues so that you can eventually have sex with her. You are pretty. Men aren't pretty. You smell good. Men don't smell good... ever. When you get drunk, you get funny and flirtatious... not sleepy and gross. You have soft smooth skin and not-so-much body hair... aaaah. You don't burp and fart and make gross nose noises (at least not at first). She can actually TALK to you and feel a sense of understanding. You are not aggressive or abrupt... you are nice and sweet. And, most importantly... BOOBIES. Women love boobies. Yes, even straight women. This list could go on forever... but, you get the point, right?

Now that you've exposed your girly attributes, it is time to get down to business. The date. The first (and perhaps 2nd, 3rd, 4th) date will be a subliminal date. You generally can't just ask a straight woman out on a date and expect her to say yes. But, you can ask her out for drinks... or to go hiking... or out to dinner (not lunch). These are all good subliminal dates. If you ask her out for drinks, do not under any circumstances go to a straight bar. And, do not under any circumstances go to a gay/lesbian bar. Try to go somewhere in-between.

Do not use "date" words when talking to her. Do not ask her if she's enjoying herself. Do not under any circumstances say "I like you" or any variation of the phrase. Do not do bullshit chivalrous things like open doors, put your hand on her back as you enter/exit establishments, or try to do anything retarded like appearing to be in charge of getting her across the street safely.

You can offer to drive. But, don't let her pick you up. If she insists on driving, then drive separately.

If you go out for drinks, you buy her drinks. Don't make a big deal out of it. Just say "I've got it" and go on with your conversation. Don't make a display of it, either. Just pay for her drinks as if you always buy everyone's drinks.

If you go out to dinner, try to go somewhere you've been and she hasn't been. Go to a nice restaurant where you are expected to order drinks, appetizers, meal, and dessert. You want to be there for a while. When ordering the appetizer and dessert, suggest sharing. Do not share the main course or even suggest it... ever. Order a bottle of wine... not individual glasses. These things will make her brain kick into "date mode" without her consciously realizing it. This is usually where she will begin to openly flirt or compliment you. You soak it up... but, don't openly flirt back yet. When the check comes, you pay... no question! If she asks why, just say "because I want to."

Go on several "subliminal" dates.

If you've gone out for drinks, gone hiking, and gone out to dinner and she's still interested in spending more time with you, you now have about a 90% chance of success.

This is when you start to flirt. You compliment her... a lot. You buy her funny little presents, send her cute emails, you go out for ice cream, go to the movies, etc, etc. Keep flirting. Then, flirt some more.

3. The Resistance

Now comes the tricky part. This is the part where an inexperienced "converter" drops the ball. This is the part where it can either be soooo incredibly successful or it can crash and burn.

You still like her. You adore her. You want her... bad. She's flirting back (you think). She's giving you "the eye". She smiles at you for no reason. So, it's time to make your move, right? WRONG. Too expected, too predictable, and most importantly... too easy for her to still say NO.

This is the time to lay on your charm, your cuteness, your sexiness. She now knows what is going on... she thinks. She thinks that you are interested in her. She is now expecting you to make your move. She waits. You keep flirting. She keeps flirting. She waits some more. You give her "the look", but do nothing. She starts to think that she's crazy... she's thinking... why isn't she making her move?... why hasn't she tried to kiss me yet? Once she starts to have these thoughts, there's no turning back for her.

So, when you really think that you can't take it anymore... when you're ready to drive as fast as you can to her doorstep and smother her with cherry popsicle kisses, when you are ready to burst with desire... wait a week. Go home and jump on your bed, ride your bike as fast as you can, explain the situation to your favorite pet. But, wait a week. Then, have THE DATE. It can still be subliminal. But, it has to be either SUPER-fun or SUPER-romantic. After this "date", she may be the one trying to kiss you. If not, you can certainly go for it now. At this point, you can pretty much have whatever you want from this woman.

I always like to follow the first kiss or first make-out session or first *@?!%* with flowers the very next day. Not 2 days later, not 3 days later… the next day. Take the flowers to her house. Don’t have them delivered.

She’s yours.

PS - Regarding flowers... one great orchid is better than a dozen roses."
The End.

Ok so I don't know about the flowers, I mean flowers are shitty in my book. Id get her a big 10 inch black dildo and call it a day. But that is totally up to your descretion.

Also, as for those expensive subliminal dinner dates with bottles of wine, fuck that. Just buy her a 40 and chill in the 7/11 parking lot, that's always been how I charm pants off. Cheap is the new sexy.

-Bertha